When It Rains it Pours

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

-Mercy Me

Recipe for Disaster

I suppose that I don't really have anything to say, but at the same time my mind hasn't been able to rest easy in days. It seems as though these are the days of great trials.
I just got back from New Orleans this evening. I had such a wonderful time. I was very nervous about going. I felt as though I was too weak and fragile this week to take on such a large task of teaching others while being a servant. I didn't really feel like I had any trait of Jesus left in my angry body to share with anyone else. Upon meeting my precious New Orleans kids there was no room for angry or bitter feelings. Those kids had far worse things they were forced to carry on their shoulders. Who am I to possess angry and bitter feelings when these kids have nothing. Their parents were killed in Hurricane Katrina, or dying of aids, or alcoholics, or in jail. Some have no parents. Those precious kids brought me so much joy this week and though these are the days of great trials--He continues to give me joy.

Love you for you

Tonight I sit still. I let the cool wind of a west Texas night blow against my cheeks. I try to sit patiently, yet intensely as I listen for a voice. A voice of a higher being. A voice of direction; somewhere to take me. A plan for my life and a sense of worth for myself.
It seems as though nothing has gone right these last few months. Parts of me have been lost that I will never retrieve, friends have left my side without any explaination, and dreams have faded far beyond what seems to be the distance. The wounds have began to take stride in healing, new friends have moved in to only fill the void that will later be left open again, and new dreams find their place in this passionate heart of mine.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night "Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has showed me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman who's husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would have stayed
And she says...

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord please forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice deep inside
And it said
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll tell you that I.."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
the love that you never knew

Broken His

Tonight my heart aches. It aches for all of the lost that I know and for my own lost soul. It aches from all of the previous beatings to my tender heart strings and for the new ones too. It aches for the desire I have to love and none to let me do so. It hurts from the pain that has welled up from inconsiderate friends and people that have taken advantage of this heart that I wear on my sleeve. And tonight. Tonight I sit here and vow to tuck this heart away. To not let it get broken again. To not let people in, so that they can only get what they want and be on their way. Yet, that is not what I was put here to do. I was given this huge heart for a reason. So, as much as I yearn to be selfish, I must persevere. I must continue to love, just as Jesus has loved me. I must never make the same mistake again. I must push the hurt and pain aside and continue to love beyond the feelings I get from people that I love so much and cut me so deep. It's amazing to think about our God. How He is able to love so deep and continue to love after many many tears in His heart. Who am I to sit here feeling broken about the many hurt feelings when I have done the exact same thing to my saviour?

My hope is in you Lord

Happiness is to know the Savior,
Living a life within His favor,
Having a change in my behavior,
Happiness is the Lord.

Happiness is a new creation,
Jesus and me in close relation,
Having a part in His salvation,
Happiness is the Lord.

Real joy is mine,
no matter if teardrops start;
I've found the secret,
it's Jesus in my heart!

Happiness is to be forgiven,
Living a life that's worth the living,
Taking a trip that leads to Heaven,
Happiness is the Lord!

Here I am again. Caught in the act, and sadly I was unaware of the felony I was committing. I've prayed fervently about it. I have many scribbled pages in my journal on the subject of the matter and still, here I am again. Happiness is to know the Savior and that is what I long to have.

this numbness has stirred my soul

" How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I will trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me."

-Psalm 13

How long O Lord must I wait?

Saturday. My day off. I've felt weird all day. I had no motivation to get out of my room and go do something. I'm missing home and all things familiar today. I'm missing being at ACU and around those that I was beginning to build a friendship with. I'm sitting here tonight needing some reassurance. I'm wondering if the distance will not be just in miles in a few months to come. If I'll be left to do it all over again. I thought I had my fair share of being left alone already. I know that I am here for a reason and that there is some sort of great plan behind all of this hurting and distance and I am ready for it be revealed. I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to stand and wait. My legs have been knocked out from under me too many times before and here I am in one of my weakest moments. How long O Lord must I wait? I want my passion back again. My drive. My devotion.
This song has been playing in my head a lot today as I had a lot of unwanted alone time.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

the kind that you would find on someone that could save

If they don't put me away

Well, then it will be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out

That everything good is happening somewhere else?

But with no one in your bed

The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone

And when I die I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm all alone again

What did you do those three days you were dead

Cause this problems going to last more than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die

I'm a little bit scared of what comes after

Do I get the gold chariot?

Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all of my dark

And the ship went down in the sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you're coming in the night like a theif

But, I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique

I know that you think I'm someone you can trust

But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think we could work out a sign

So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you're coming for people like me

But we all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories

We all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories

We all got wood and nails

And we sleep inside this machine

-Brand New