How long O Lord must I wait?

Saturday. My day off. I've felt weird all day. I had no motivation to get out of my room and go do something. I'm missing home and all things familiar today. I'm missing being at ACU and around those that I was beginning to build a friendship with. I'm sitting here tonight needing some reassurance. I'm wondering if the distance will not be just in miles in a few months to come. If I'll be left to do it all over again. I thought I had my fair share of being left alone already. I know that I am here for a reason and that there is some sort of great plan behind all of this hurting and distance and I am ready for it be revealed. I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to stand and wait. My legs have been knocked out from under me too many times before and here I am in one of my weakest moments. How long O Lord must I wait? I want my passion back again. My drive. My devotion.
This song has been playing in my head a lot today as I had a lot of unwanted alone time.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

the kind that you would find on someone that could save

If they don't put me away

Well, then it will be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out

That everything good is happening somewhere else?

But with no one in your bed

The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone

And when I die I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm all alone again

What did you do those three days you were dead

Cause this problems going to last more than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die

I'm a little bit scared of what comes after

Do I get the gold chariot?

Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all of my dark

And the ship went down in the sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you're coming in the night like a theif

But, I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique

I know that you think I'm someone you can trust

But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think we could work out a sign

So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you're coming for people like me

But we all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories

We all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories

We all got wood and nails

And we sleep inside this machine

-Brand New

Rested Though Still Render Hopeless

I'm back after a few good days of friends and family, though sitting here tonight it just doesn't seem like enough. I drove most of my way back with my music turned off just listening as the rhythmic sound of rain drops fell on the windshield of Reba and I prayed. I prayed to come back to this household and to witness change. I prayed for patience, because these girls are wearing me thin. I prayed for God to open these girls hearts up and allow me to dig deep into their very little beings and allow me to give them the love that I have for them.
And today, I find myself back on the floor prying Sara from any and everything she can grab, pulling her tightly into my arms, attempting to rock her as she kicks my shins and scratches my arms, and whispering in her ear "Sara, I love you. You don't have to hurt me. I love you." Another rough day. I long for the day that I can go into my room after putting them down for bed and having a sense of accomplishment with these girls. I understand days won't be perfect, but I can expect days that I won't have to be scratched and bruised.
Since I've been here I've been struggling with my purpose. I often think of what my life would be like if I hadn't of done this and would have done that. I want so badly to be back at ACU. I finally found my place there and just as I did it was all torn down again. I'm back on the ground with my feet knocked out from under me. I look down the road and wonder when I will be able to stand again?
" The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames"
-superchick