Broken His

Tonight my heart aches. It aches for all of the lost that I know and for my own lost soul. It aches from all of the previous beatings to my tender heart strings and for the new ones too. It aches for the desire I have to love and none to let me do so. It hurts from the pain that has welled up from inconsiderate friends and people that have taken advantage of this heart that I wear on my sleeve. And tonight. Tonight I sit here and vow to tuck this heart away. To not let it get broken again. To not let people in, so that they can only get what they want and be on their way. Yet, that is not what I was put here to do. I was given this huge heart for a reason. So, as much as I yearn to be selfish, I must persevere. I must continue to love, just as Jesus has loved me. I must never make the same mistake again. I must push the hurt and pain aside and continue to love beyond the feelings I get from people that I love so much and cut me so deep. It's amazing to think about our God. How He is able to love so deep and continue to love after many many tears in His heart. Who am I to sit here feeling broken about the many hurt feelings when I have done the exact same thing to my saviour?

My hope is in you Lord

Happiness is to know the Savior,
Living a life within His favor,
Having a change in my behavior,
Happiness is the Lord.

Happiness is a new creation,
Jesus and me in close relation,
Having a part in His salvation,
Happiness is the Lord.

Real joy is mine,
no matter if teardrops start;
I've found the secret,
it's Jesus in my heart!

Happiness is to be forgiven,
Living a life that's worth the living,
Taking a trip that leads to Heaven,
Happiness is the Lord!

Here I am again. Caught in the act, and sadly I was unaware of the felony I was committing. I've prayed fervently about it. I have many scribbled pages in my journal on the subject of the matter and still, here I am again. Happiness is to know the Savior and that is what I long to have.

this numbness has stirred my soul

" How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I will trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me."

-Psalm 13

How long O Lord must I wait?

Saturday. My day off. I've felt weird all day. I had no motivation to get out of my room and go do something. I'm missing home and all things familiar today. I'm missing being at ACU and around those that I was beginning to build a friendship with. I'm sitting here tonight needing some reassurance. I'm wondering if the distance will not be just in miles in a few months to come. If I'll be left to do it all over again. I thought I had my fair share of being left alone already. I know that I am here for a reason and that there is some sort of great plan behind all of this hurting and distance and I am ready for it be revealed. I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to stand and wait. My legs have been knocked out from under me too many times before and here I am in one of my weakest moments. How long O Lord must I wait? I want my passion back again. My drive. My devotion.
This song has been playing in my head a lot today as I had a lot of unwanted alone time.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

the kind that you would find on someone that could save

If they don't put me away

Well, then it will be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out

That everything good is happening somewhere else?

But with no one in your bed

The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone

And when I die I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm all alone again

What did you do those three days you were dead

Cause this problems going to last more than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die

I'm a little bit scared of what comes after

Do I get the gold chariot?

Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all of my dark

And the ship went down in the sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you're coming in the night like a theif

But, I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique

I know that you think I'm someone you can trust

But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think we could work out a sign

So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you're coming for people like me

But we all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories

We all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories

We all got wood and nails

And we sleep inside this machine

-Brand New

Rested Though Still Render Hopeless

I'm back after a few good days of friends and family, though sitting here tonight it just doesn't seem like enough. I drove most of my way back with my music turned off just listening as the rhythmic sound of rain drops fell on the windshield of Reba and I prayed. I prayed to come back to this household and to witness change. I prayed for patience, because these girls are wearing me thin. I prayed for God to open these girls hearts up and allow me to dig deep into their very little beings and allow me to give them the love that I have for them.
And today, I find myself back on the floor prying Sara from any and everything she can grab, pulling her tightly into my arms, attempting to rock her as she kicks my shins and scratches my arms, and whispering in her ear "Sara, I love you. You don't have to hurt me. I love you." Another rough day. I long for the day that I can go into my room after putting them down for bed and having a sense of accomplishment with these girls. I understand days won't be perfect, but I can expect days that I won't have to be scratched and bruised.
Since I've been here I've been struggling with my purpose. I often think of what my life would be like if I hadn't of done this and would have done that. I want so badly to be back at ACU. I finally found my place there and just as I did it was all torn down again. I'm back on the ground with my feet knocked out from under me. I look down the road and wonder when I will be able to stand again?
" The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames"
-superchick

The grass is greener on the other side...

You've heard it. It appears that the grass is greener on the other side. Since my week and 1/2 of being here I have had the opportunity to meet a few of the girls' friends. They've rang the door bell with this halo of a smile and when I open the door a breath of fresh clean air sweeps across my face. This air isn't the air of Houston, for the air outside is humid and much like that of an armpit! This air is from the darling little girls that come to visit. They never raise their voices over an "inside" voice and never talk back. They never run or jump off of the furniture and they always say their please's and thank you's. How wonderful it is when friends come for a visit! :-)
Last week seemed like it flew by, but this week has dug it's feet deep into the ground and is making it difficult to get through it. Sara and I had a rough day on Monday. She refused to clean up and I refused to let her have her way. So, an hour long battle took place of kicking, hitting, scratching, biting, and even my shirt ripped. When it was all said and done she was able to calmly talk to me and she cleaned up her mess. I was so proud of her for finally minding and excited that I was finally able to complete a punishment and talk about why things got out of hand.
Natalie has been sick all week. I'm definetly ready for her to go back to school so that I can have a quiet morning and hit the gym! I haven't been able to work out since Friday! I was off last night for a while so that I could get out of the house since I hadn't been able to leave since Sunday. I just wandered around Target and had a good long conversation with my Mimi.
I should be getting my new computer today! I am currenty sitting at the girls' computer which sits on a very small childrens desk. I have to switch sitting positions every so often so that my legs won't go to sleep!
Well, I hear Natalie stirring around, so I better be off and onto my job!

Call me Miss Linzie

It's Friday, and oh how I have been looking forward to this day for what seems like most of the week! Just a few hours left in the day and I will have officially completed my first week as a Nanny. They call me 'Miss Linzie'. It's kinda cute. I'd much rather be called 'Miss Linzie' than 'Nanny' or 'Dude', which they seem to use a lot. This week has actually flown by. It is somewhat nice to have a schedule, because it gives me a little something to look forward to. I know I have to wake up at 6:00am (though I don't really look forward to that part) and that the girls have to get on the bus at 7:30am. Then I have a few household chores, like starting the laundry and making the beds. Some mornings, I try to make the beds while the girls are putting on their clothing. I like getting everything done so that I can relax. Sara, the youngest one gets home from half-day kindergarten at 12:00. We fix lunch together and sit down and talk about her day. Then she is supposed to work in workbooks or do a learning game on the computer, but sometimes I just let her play with her barbies or dance to Hannah Montanna in her room. Sara is a very smart girl. She is 5 years old and when we play this trivia game after dinner, she usually gets the answers faster than the older two. Natalie and Jessica get homeat 3:30. Sara and I sit on the porch 30 minutes before and enjoy the sunshine while we wait for the bus to come. They are normaly starving and hit the pantry for a snack when they hit the front door. Then it's homework time. And after that-play time. The girls most always want to go outside. It's difficult going outside. It's not how I grew up and I'm not sure how to "play" outside with this small yard and limited space. We've been taking walks around the block amost every night. Jessica got Heely's (skate shoe thingy's) for her birthday last month and the other two normally ride their bikes. I'm already growing tired of the "walk around the block". The parents always suggest a walk around the block as if they were going to take them, and then look at me and say "Would you mind walking them a few times around the block to burn off some of this excitement?". But, it never works. The excitement only grows after setting foot outside. After play time is shower time and this is my most dreaded time of the day. The shower has two shower heads and so we stick Natalie and Sara in the shower and Jessica in the bath tub. When Natalie and Sara are together I can hardly control them. On Wednesday night, after being splashed with water over and over and screaming naked bodies running in and out of the shower (and me not being able to spank them!) I finally had to call for the mother, Lori, and ask if I could finish dinner while she finished bathing them. It's a difficult task, to shampoo and condition three kids at the same time. One is screaming because she has shampoo in her eye and the other is screaming because the other one looked at her while she was naked. I haven't figured out a good system to this madness yet, but instead of me putting shampoo and conditioner on their heads I've been pouring it in their hands and letting them do it by themselves. Hopefully soon they'll be able to take showers by themselves and I won't lose all of my hair! Finally, it's dinner time. This routine is rather difficult too, because rarely will everyone like the food on their plate and thus can cause many screaming, kicking, crying fits. Wednesday night I cooked lasagna and let the girls help. Everyone ate that night and I was super excited! I think it helped that they saw what went in the food and wanted to eat it because they helped make it. Alas, it's 8:00 and I tuck the girls in bed and shut the door to my room until the next day! Ahh...what a week.

" "Going of to find yourself" was the standar interpretation. I don't think that is really our point. We are shaped by our experiences. Our perception of job, fear, pain, and beauty are sharpeneed or dulled by the way we rub against time. My senses have become dull and this trip is an effort to sharpen them."-Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller