Austin City Limits

I had the most amazing weekend. It was very stressful due to my dumb bank and my lost deposit, which equals no funds in my account 4 hours away from home, but God was the ultimate provider. He provided good friends, good music, and an over all GOOD time! We saw Regina Spektor, Wilco, Bob Dylan, and a lot of other smaller bands. My overall favorite was Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. Her and her band did an amazing show and that woman knows how to rock--her vocals, guitar, organ, piano, and even drums! WOW!

The Linzie Show

I can't sleep, which is not good considering I have to work the "shitty sunrise shift" tomorrow morning at a lovely 5:30am. I have restless legs and a restless mind tonight.
With reality tv everywhere on TV these days, I'm beginning to think that maybe my life is really a reality tv show. It's probably been getting some good ratings these last few weeks with all of the drama. It's like I'm living in "The Truman Show", but hah! I've finally figured it out!
I have issues with trust. I think. Looking at my life, I don't have a best friend. I've picked up and moved on an impulse decision more than just a few times. I haven't kept a job for more than a few months. And dating, well there hasn't been much of it in the past few years, but when there was, it didn't last more than a few months, if that.
I'm tired of putting on a brave face. Let's be honest and open. My parents are getting a divorce. There, I said it. It's real and it's happening. I've been in conversation a few painful times since gaining this heart-wrenching knowledge and it all boils down to bullshit. Everyone is full of it. I wouldn't blame my trust issues on my parents, for up until now, they haven't given me a reason to not put my trust in them. It just makes me realize, that in this world, and maybe I'm a little too old to be realizing this, but no one has it all together. The people in your life, even the ones you love dearly, must never be fully trusted. Satan is on the prowl and everyone is human. I've learned that if you want things to get done, you must do them yourself. You can't expect people to come through for you, because even those that say they won't, will let you down. You have to listen to your heart, follow your gut, and look to God. It's scary sometimes when you can't see what you're putting your trust in to, but your faith will carry it through.
I close my eyes tonight, and possibly for the rest of my nights, wondering what alternate reality did I grow up believing in?

Home again, home again, jaggedy heart.....

I feel dumb. I always find myself signing onto my blog when I need to vent and realign myself. I have been missing home lately. This year has been rough. My school fell through, I had a terrible working situation with a sexually harrasing boss, my "happy place" in Abilene yet again did not work, and my parents announced their divorce. The flood gates have been lifted and it seems like I just can't keep my head above water. My legs are constantly getting knocked out from under me with all sorts of different undercurrents. I'm struggling financially, emotionally, and it's beginning to take me under.
I thought by moving my problems would somehow stay. That by driving down 7 hours from what has been home for the past 2 years would magically blow out my window each mile I traveled. I felt like I would arrive to where my brothers are and I would be flushed by this sense of "home", since my family was here. I'm beginning to miss home, but also confused as to where home is. My home has been stripped down with angry words and tears and separation. My home has been loaded up in my car and traveled long Texas highways.
Growing up there was this small framed picture that hung on the wall just to the left of our pantry. The frame was wood with a light pink backing and a floral heart cut out. There was a caption on the bottom of this picture that said "Home is where the heart is". This picture is the one thing that I can remember most from my childhood. It was first in our small little rock house right in the center of Sidney. Then it hung in our home nesteled away in the woods. It is now tucked snuggly into the cloth pocket on the back of my passenger seat in my red car, Reba.

I am thankful for

the ability to love,
friends and memories,
surprises and unexpected compliments,
rain, even though it's rained a lot,
my broken family, because even though it's broken, it's still alive,
spontaneous opportunities and spontaneous adventures,
chocolate milk and popcorn--together,
new friends, old friends, good friends,
joy and patience,
little kids and their warm hugs,
Magnum; a cute cuddly puppy,
hearing the words "I love you",
the beach, and living near it,
my job and the ability to work,
being raised the way I was,
appreciating the finer things,
my brothers and their wives,
my new apartment,
the way I have been shaped,
my health,
the way the blue blistex feels like water on my lips,
inside jokes, or any joke that's funny,
the ability to heal,
new guitar strings,
driving with my windows rolled down and a good Brooke Fraser song,
hearing from a friend in New Zealand,
mail-- email or snail,
new shoes, or a cute skirt,
painting,
the feeling of accomplishment,
musty smells, like an air conditioner,
finding money in unexpected places,
cooking,
finding a good verse in the Bible,
having a good day...

When It Rains it Pours

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

-Mercy Me

Recipe for Disaster

I suppose that I don't really have anything to say, but at the same time my mind hasn't been able to rest easy in days. It seems as though these are the days of great trials.
I just got back from New Orleans this evening. I had such a wonderful time. I was very nervous about going. I felt as though I was too weak and fragile this week to take on such a large task of teaching others while being a servant. I didn't really feel like I had any trait of Jesus left in my angry body to share with anyone else. Upon meeting my precious New Orleans kids there was no room for angry or bitter feelings. Those kids had far worse things they were forced to carry on their shoulders. Who am I to possess angry and bitter feelings when these kids have nothing. Their parents were killed in Hurricane Katrina, or dying of aids, or alcoholics, or in jail. Some have no parents. Those precious kids brought me so much joy this week and though these are the days of great trials--He continues to give me joy.

Love you for you

Tonight I sit still. I let the cool wind of a west Texas night blow against my cheeks. I try to sit patiently, yet intensely as I listen for a voice. A voice of a higher being. A voice of direction; somewhere to take me. A plan for my life and a sense of worth for myself.
It seems as though nothing has gone right these last few months. Parts of me have been lost that I will never retrieve, friends have left my side without any explaination, and dreams have faded far beyond what seems to be the distance. The wounds have began to take stride in healing, new friends have moved in to only fill the void that will later be left open again, and new dreams find their place in this passionate heart of mine.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night "Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has showed me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman who's husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would have stayed
And she says...

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord please forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice deep inside
And it said
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll tell you that I.."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
the love that you never knew