Happy Thanksgiving! It is currently midnight and the very first moment of Thanksgiving day. What do I have to be thankful for this year? It has truly been the most difficult year of my life, but for its difficulties I am thankful. I'm thankful for the ways that it has shaped me, for the pain that I have endured that has and will continue to make me stronger. I am thankful for the way it brought my brothers and I closer; so close we all lived together for a short time. I'm thankful for my travels. I've gone a lot of places, seen a lot of amazing things, and met a lot of beautifully broken people. I'm thankful for returning home. Although it doesn't seem like much of a home anymore, but I am thankful for one true friend I have and for the love and "homey" feeling she has given me. I'm thankful for my visits to Abilene, though they are short, I come away feeling loved. I am thankful for my friends that are miles away, but have done an excellent job of making the distance not seem like very far. I'm thankful for my jobs. Yes, all three of them at one time. I'm thankful for my health and I'm thankful for my families health.
I am restless and tired tonight. I've been driving since Sunday, it seems. I left Sunday after work to drive to Abilene. I had a blow out on the way. It was terrible. I left Tuesday for Comanche and then on Wednesday for Rockport. I'll work Thursday, yes on Thanksgiving day, lame, I know.
...I wish I was home, wherever that may be.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Austin City Limits
I had the most amazing weekend. It was very stressful due to my dumb bank and my lost deposit, which equals no funds in my account 4 hours away from home, but God was the ultimate provider. He provided good friends, good music, and an over all GOOD time! We saw Regina Spektor, Wilco, Bob Dylan, and a lot of other smaller bands. My overall favorite was Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. Her and her band did an amazing show and that woman knows how to rock--her vocals, guitar, organ, piano, and even drums! WOW!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Linzie Show
I can't sleep, which is not good considering I have to work the "shitty sunrise shift" tomorrow morning at a lovely 5:30am. I have restless legs and a restless mind tonight.
With reality tv everywhere on TV these days, I'm beginning to think that maybe my life is really a reality tv show. It's probably been getting some good ratings these last few weeks with all of the drama. It's like I'm living in "The Truman Show", but hah! I've finally figured it out!
I have issues with trust. I think. Looking at my life, I don't have a best friend. I've picked up and moved on an impulse decision more than just a few times. I haven't kept a job for more than a few months. And dating, well there hasn't been much of it in the past few years, but when there was, it didn't last more than a few months, if that.
I'm tired of putting on a brave face. Let's be honest and open. My parents are getting a divorce. There, I said it. It's real and it's happening. I've been in conversation a few painful times since gaining this heart-wrenching knowledge and it all boils down to bullshit. Everyone is full of it. I wouldn't blame my trust issues on my parents, for up until now, they haven't given me a reason to not put my trust in them. It just makes me realize, that in this world, and maybe I'm a little too old to be realizing this, but no one has it all together. The people in your life, even the ones you love dearly, must never be fully trusted. Satan is on the prowl and everyone is human. I've learned that if you want things to get done, you must do them yourself. You can't expect people to come through for you, because even those that say they won't, will let you down. You have to listen to your heart, follow your gut, and look to God. It's scary sometimes when you can't see what you're putting your trust in to, but your faith will carry it through.
I close my eyes tonight, and possibly for the rest of my nights, wondering what alternate reality did I grow up believing in?
With reality tv everywhere on TV these days, I'm beginning to think that maybe my life is really a reality tv show. It's probably been getting some good ratings these last few weeks with all of the drama. It's like I'm living in "The Truman Show", but hah! I've finally figured it out!
I have issues with trust. I think. Looking at my life, I don't have a best friend. I've picked up and moved on an impulse decision more than just a few times. I haven't kept a job for more than a few months. And dating, well there hasn't been much of it in the past few years, but when there was, it didn't last more than a few months, if that.
I'm tired of putting on a brave face. Let's be honest and open. My parents are getting a divorce. There, I said it. It's real and it's happening. I've been in conversation a few painful times since gaining this heart-wrenching knowledge and it all boils down to bullshit. Everyone is full of it. I wouldn't blame my trust issues on my parents, for up until now, they haven't given me a reason to not put my trust in them. It just makes me realize, that in this world, and maybe I'm a little too old to be realizing this, but no one has it all together. The people in your life, even the ones you love dearly, must never be fully trusted. Satan is on the prowl and everyone is human. I've learned that if you want things to get done, you must do them yourself. You can't expect people to come through for you, because even those that say they won't, will let you down. You have to listen to your heart, follow your gut, and look to God. It's scary sometimes when you can't see what you're putting your trust in to, but your faith will carry it through.
I close my eyes tonight, and possibly for the rest of my nights, wondering what alternate reality did I grow up believing in?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Home again, home again, jaggedy heart.....
I feel dumb. I always find myself signing onto my blog when I need to vent and realign myself. I have been missing home lately. This year has been rough. My school fell through, I had a terrible working situation with a sexually harrasing boss, my "happy place" in Abilene yet again did not work, and my parents announced their divorce. The flood gates have been lifted and it seems like I just can't keep my head above water. My legs are constantly getting knocked out from under me with all sorts of different undercurrents. I'm struggling financially, emotionally, and it's beginning to take me under.
I thought by moving my problems would somehow stay. That by driving down 7 hours from what has been home for the past 2 years would magically blow out my window each mile I traveled. I felt like I would arrive to where my brothers are and I would be flushed by this sense of "home", since my family was here. I'm beginning to miss home, but also confused as to where home is. My home has been stripped down with angry words and tears and separation. My home has been loaded up in my car and traveled long Texas highways.
Growing up there was this small framed picture that hung on the wall just to the left of our pantry. The frame was wood with a light pink backing and a floral heart cut out. There was a caption on the bottom of this picture that said "Home is where the heart is". This picture is the one thing that I can remember most from my childhood. It was first in our small little rock house right in the center of Sidney. Then it hung in our home nesteled away in the woods. It is now tucked snuggly into the cloth pocket on the back of my passenger seat in my red car, Reba.
I thought by moving my problems would somehow stay. That by driving down 7 hours from what has been home for the past 2 years would magically blow out my window each mile I traveled. I felt like I would arrive to where my brothers are and I would be flushed by this sense of "home", since my family was here. I'm beginning to miss home, but also confused as to where home is. My home has been stripped down with angry words and tears and separation. My home has been loaded up in my car and traveled long Texas highways.
Growing up there was this small framed picture that hung on the wall just to the left of our pantry. The frame was wood with a light pink backing and a floral heart cut out. There was a caption on the bottom of this picture that said "Home is where the heart is". This picture is the one thing that I can remember most from my childhood. It was first in our small little rock house right in the center of Sidney. Then it hung in our home nesteled away in the woods. It is now tucked snuggly into the cloth pocket on the back of my passenger seat in my red car, Reba.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
I am thankful for
the ability to love,
friends and memories,
surprises and unexpected compliments,
rain, even though it's rained a lot,
my broken family, because even though it's broken, it's still alive,
spontaneous opportunities and spontaneous adventures,
chocolate milk and popcorn--together,
new friends, old friends, good friends,
joy and patience,
little kids and their warm hugs,
Magnum; a cute cuddly puppy,
hearing the words "I love you",
the beach, and living near it,
my job and the ability to work,
being raised the way I was,
appreciating the finer things,
my brothers and their wives,
my new apartment,
the way I have been shaped,
my health,
the way the blue blistex feels like water on my lips,
inside jokes, or any joke that's funny,
the ability to heal,
new guitar strings,
driving with my windows rolled down and a good Brooke Fraser song,
hearing from a friend in New Zealand,
mail-- email or snail,
new shoes, or a cute skirt,
painting,
the feeling of accomplishment,
musty smells, like an air conditioner,
finding money in unexpected places,
cooking,
finding a good verse in the Bible,
having a good day...
friends and memories,
surprises and unexpected compliments,
rain, even though it's rained a lot,
my broken family, because even though it's broken, it's still alive,
spontaneous opportunities and spontaneous adventures,
chocolate milk and popcorn--together,
new friends, old friends, good friends,
joy and patience,
little kids and their warm hugs,
Magnum; a cute cuddly puppy,
hearing the words "I love you",
the beach, and living near it,
my job and the ability to work,
being raised the way I was,
appreciating the finer things,
my brothers and their wives,
my new apartment,
the way I have been shaped,
my health,
the way the blue blistex feels like water on my lips,
inside jokes, or any joke that's funny,
the ability to heal,
new guitar strings,
driving with my windows rolled down and a good Brooke Fraser song,
hearing from a friend in New Zealand,
mail-- email or snail,
new shoes, or a cute skirt,
painting,
the feeling of accomplishment,
musty smells, like an air conditioner,
finding money in unexpected places,
cooking,
finding a good verse in the Bible,
having a good day...
Sunday, July 22, 2007
When It Rains it Pours
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
-Mercy Me
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
-Mercy Me
Friday, July 13, 2007
Recipe for Disaster
I suppose that I don't really have anything to say, but at the same time my mind hasn't been able to rest easy in days. It seems as though these are the days of great trials.
I just got back from New Orleans this evening. I had such a wonderful time. I was very nervous about going. I felt as though I was too weak and fragile this week to take on such a large task of teaching others while being a servant. I didn't really feel like I had any trait of Jesus left in my angry body to share with anyone else. Upon meeting my precious New Orleans kids there was no room for angry or bitter feelings. Those kids had far worse things they were forced to carry on their shoulders. Who am I to possess angry and bitter feelings when these kids have nothing. Their parents were killed in Hurricane Katrina, or dying of aids, or alcoholics, or in jail. Some have no parents. Those precious kids brought me so much joy this week and though these are the days of great trials--He continues to give me joy.
I just got back from New Orleans this evening. I had such a wonderful time. I was very nervous about going. I felt as though I was too weak and fragile this week to take on such a large task of teaching others while being a servant. I didn't really feel like I had any trait of Jesus left in my angry body to share with anyone else. Upon meeting my precious New Orleans kids there was no room for angry or bitter feelings. Those kids had far worse things they were forced to carry on their shoulders. Who am I to possess angry and bitter feelings when these kids have nothing. Their parents were killed in Hurricane Katrina, or dying of aids, or alcoholics, or in jail. Some have no parents. Those precious kids brought me so much joy this week and though these are the days of great trials--He continues to give me joy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
