Thankfulness

Happy Thanksgiving! It is currently midnight and the very first moment of Thanksgiving day. What do I have to be thankful for this year? It has truly been the most difficult year of my life, but for its difficulties I am thankful. I'm thankful for the ways that it has shaped me, for the pain that I have endured that has and will continue to make me stronger. I am thankful for the way it brought my brothers and I closer; so close we all lived together for a short time. I'm thankful for my travels. I've gone a lot of places, seen a lot of amazing things, and met a lot of beautifully broken people. I'm thankful for returning home. Although it doesn't seem like much of a home anymore, but I am thankful for one true friend I have and for the love and "homey" feeling she has given me. I'm thankful for my visits to Abilene, though they are short, I come away feeling loved. I am thankful for my friends that are miles away, but have done an excellent job of making the distance not seem like very far. I'm thankful for my jobs. Yes, all three of them at one time. I'm thankful for my health and I'm thankful for my families health.
I am restless and tired tonight. I've been driving since Sunday, it seems. I left Sunday after work to drive to Abilene. I had a blow out on the way. It was terrible. I left Tuesday for Comanche and then on Wednesday for Rockport. I'll work Thursday, yes on Thanksgiving day, lame, I know.
...I wish I was home, wherever that may be.

Austin City Limits

I had the most amazing weekend. It was very stressful due to my dumb bank and my lost deposit, which equals no funds in my account 4 hours away from home, but God was the ultimate provider. He provided good friends, good music, and an over all GOOD time! We saw Regina Spektor, Wilco, Bob Dylan, and a lot of other smaller bands. My overall favorite was Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. Her and her band did an amazing show and that woman knows how to rock--her vocals, guitar, organ, piano, and even drums! WOW!

The Linzie Show

I can't sleep, which is not good considering I have to work the "shitty sunrise shift" tomorrow morning at a lovely 5:30am. I have restless legs and a restless mind tonight.
With reality tv everywhere on TV these days, I'm beginning to think that maybe my life is really a reality tv show. It's probably been getting some good ratings these last few weeks with all of the drama. It's like I'm living in "The Truman Show", but hah! I've finally figured it out!
I have issues with trust. I think. Looking at my life, I don't have a best friend. I've picked up and moved on an impulse decision more than just a few times. I haven't kept a job for more than a few months. And dating, well there hasn't been much of it in the past few years, but when there was, it didn't last more than a few months, if that.
I'm tired of putting on a brave face. Let's be honest and open. My parents are getting a divorce. There, I said it. It's real and it's happening. I've been in conversation a few painful times since gaining this heart-wrenching knowledge and it all boils down to bullshit. Everyone is full of it. I wouldn't blame my trust issues on my parents, for up until now, they haven't given me a reason to not put my trust in them. It just makes me realize, that in this world, and maybe I'm a little too old to be realizing this, but no one has it all together. The people in your life, even the ones you love dearly, must never be fully trusted. Satan is on the prowl and everyone is human. I've learned that if you want things to get done, you must do them yourself. You can't expect people to come through for you, because even those that say they won't, will let you down. You have to listen to your heart, follow your gut, and look to God. It's scary sometimes when you can't see what you're putting your trust in to, but your faith will carry it through.
I close my eyes tonight, and possibly for the rest of my nights, wondering what alternate reality did I grow up believing in?

Home again, home again, jaggedy heart.....

I feel dumb. I always find myself signing onto my blog when I need to vent and realign myself. I have been missing home lately. This year has been rough. My school fell through, I had a terrible working situation with a sexually harrasing boss, my "happy place" in Abilene yet again did not work, and my parents announced their divorce. The flood gates have been lifted and it seems like I just can't keep my head above water. My legs are constantly getting knocked out from under me with all sorts of different undercurrents. I'm struggling financially, emotionally, and it's beginning to take me under.
I thought by moving my problems would somehow stay. That by driving down 7 hours from what has been home for the past 2 years would magically blow out my window each mile I traveled. I felt like I would arrive to where my brothers are and I would be flushed by this sense of "home", since my family was here. I'm beginning to miss home, but also confused as to where home is. My home has been stripped down with angry words and tears and separation. My home has been loaded up in my car and traveled long Texas highways.
Growing up there was this small framed picture that hung on the wall just to the left of our pantry. The frame was wood with a light pink backing and a floral heart cut out. There was a caption on the bottom of this picture that said "Home is where the heart is". This picture is the one thing that I can remember most from my childhood. It was first in our small little rock house right in the center of Sidney. Then it hung in our home nesteled away in the woods. It is now tucked snuggly into the cloth pocket on the back of my passenger seat in my red car, Reba.

I am thankful for

the ability to love,
friends and memories,
surprises and unexpected compliments,
rain, even though it's rained a lot,
my broken family, because even though it's broken, it's still alive,
spontaneous opportunities and spontaneous adventures,
chocolate milk and popcorn--together,
new friends, old friends, good friends,
joy and patience,
little kids and their warm hugs,
Magnum; a cute cuddly puppy,
hearing the words "I love you",
the beach, and living near it,
my job and the ability to work,
being raised the way I was,
appreciating the finer things,
my brothers and their wives,
my new apartment,
the way I have been shaped,
my health,
the way the blue blistex feels like water on my lips,
inside jokes, or any joke that's funny,
the ability to heal,
new guitar strings,
driving with my windows rolled down and a good Brooke Fraser song,
hearing from a friend in New Zealand,
mail-- email or snail,
new shoes, or a cute skirt,
painting,
the feeling of accomplishment,
musty smells, like an air conditioner,
finding money in unexpected places,
cooking,
finding a good verse in the Bible,
having a good day...

When It Rains it Pours

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

-Mercy Me

Recipe for Disaster

I suppose that I don't really have anything to say, but at the same time my mind hasn't been able to rest easy in days. It seems as though these are the days of great trials.
I just got back from New Orleans this evening. I had such a wonderful time. I was very nervous about going. I felt as though I was too weak and fragile this week to take on such a large task of teaching others while being a servant. I didn't really feel like I had any trait of Jesus left in my angry body to share with anyone else. Upon meeting my precious New Orleans kids there was no room for angry or bitter feelings. Those kids had far worse things they were forced to carry on their shoulders. Who am I to possess angry and bitter feelings when these kids have nothing. Their parents were killed in Hurricane Katrina, or dying of aids, or alcoholics, or in jail. Some have no parents. Those precious kids brought me so much joy this week and though these are the days of great trials--He continues to give me joy.

Love you for you

Tonight I sit still. I let the cool wind of a west Texas night blow against my cheeks. I try to sit patiently, yet intensely as I listen for a voice. A voice of a higher being. A voice of direction; somewhere to take me. A plan for my life and a sense of worth for myself.
It seems as though nothing has gone right these last few months. Parts of me have been lost that I will never retrieve, friends have left my side without any explaination, and dreams have faded far beyond what seems to be the distance. The wounds have began to take stride in healing, new friends have moved in to only fill the void that will later be left open again, and new dreams find their place in this passionate heart of mine.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night "Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has showed me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman who's husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would have stayed
And she says...

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord please forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice deep inside
And it said
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll tell you that I.."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
the love that you never knew

Broken His

Tonight my heart aches. It aches for all of the lost that I know and for my own lost soul. It aches from all of the previous beatings to my tender heart strings and for the new ones too. It aches for the desire I have to love and none to let me do so. It hurts from the pain that has welled up from inconsiderate friends and people that have taken advantage of this heart that I wear on my sleeve. And tonight. Tonight I sit here and vow to tuck this heart away. To not let it get broken again. To not let people in, so that they can only get what they want and be on their way. Yet, that is not what I was put here to do. I was given this huge heart for a reason. So, as much as I yearn to be selfish, I must persevere. I must continue to love, just as Jesus has loved me. I must never make the same mistake again. I must push the hurt and pain aside and continue to love beyond the feelings I get from people that I love so much and cut me so deep. It's amazing to think about our God. How He is able to love so deep and continue to love after many many tears in His heart. Who am I to sit here feeling broken about the many hurt feelings when I have done the exact same thing to my saviour?

My hope is in you Lord

Happiness is to know the Savior,
Living a life within His favor,
Having a change in my behavior,
Happiness is the Lord.

Happiness is a new creation,
Jesus and me in close relation,
Having a part in His salvation,
Happiness is the Lord.

Real joy is mine,
no matter if teardrops start;
I've found the secret,
it's Jesus in my heart!

Happiness is to be forgiven,
Living a life that's worth the living,
Taking a trip that leads to Heaven,
Happiness is the Lord!

Here I am again. Caught in the act, and sadly I was unaware of the felony I was committing. I've prayed fervently about it. I have many scribbled pages in my journal on the subject of the matter and still, here I am again. Happiness is to know the Savior and that is what I long to have.

this numbness has stirred my soul

" How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I will trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me."

-Psalm 13

How long O Lord must I wait?

Saturday. My day off. I've felt weird all day. I had no motivation to get out of my room and go do something. I'm missing home and all things familiar today. I'm missing being at ACU and around those that I was beginning to build a friendship with. I'm sitting here tonight needing some reassurance. I'm wondering if the distance will not be just in miles in a few months to come. If I'll be left to do it all over again. I thought I had my fair share of being left alone already. I know that I am here for a reason and that there is some sort of great plan behind all of this hurting and distance and I am ready for it be revealed. I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to stand and wait. My legs have been knocked out from under me too many times before and here I am in one of my weakest moments. How long O Lord must I wait? I want my passion back again. My drive. My devotion.
This song has been playing in my head a lot today as I had a lot of unwanted alone time.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

the kind that you would find on someone that could save

If they don't put me away

Well, then it will be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out

That everything good is happening somewhere else?

But with no one in your bed

The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone

And when I die I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm all alone again

What did you do those three days you were dead

Cause this problems going to last more than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die

I'm a little bit scared of what comes after

Do I get the gold chariot?

Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all of my dark

And the ship went down in the sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you're coming in the night like a theif

But, I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique

I know that you think I'm someone you can trust

But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think we could work out a sign

So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you're coming for people like me

But we all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories

We all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories

We all got wood and nails

And we sleep inside this machine

-Brand New

Rested Though Still Render Hopeless

I'm back after a few good days of friends and family, though sitting here tonight it just doesn't seem like enough. I drove most of my way back with my music turned off just listening as the rhythmic sound of rain drops fell on the windshield of Reba and I prayed. I prayed to come back to this household and to witness change. I prayed for patience, because these girls are wearing me thin. I prayed for God to open these girls hearts up and allow me to dig deep into their very little beings and allow me to give them the love that I have for them.
And today, I find myself back on the floor prying Sara from any and everything she can grab, pulling her tightly into my arms, attempting to rock her as she kicks my shins and scratches my arms, and whispering in her ear "Sara, I love you. You don't have to hurt me. I love you." Another rough day. I long for the day that I can go into my room after putting them down for bed and having a sense of accomplishment with these girls. I understand days won't be perfect, but I can expect days that I won't have to be scratched and bruised.
Since I've been here I've been struggling with my purpose. I often think of what my life would be like if I hadn't of done this and would have done that. I want so badly to be back at ACU. I finally found my place there and just as I did it was all torn down again. I'm back on the ground with my feet knocked out from under me. I look down the road and wonder when I will be able to stand again?
" The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames"
-superchick

The grass is greener on the other side...

You've heard it. It appears that the grass is greener on the other side. Since my week and 1/2 of being here I have had the opportunity to meet a few of the girls' friends. They've rang the door bell with this halo of a smile and when I open the door a breath of fresh clean air sweeps across my face. This air isn't the air of Houston, for the air outside is humid and much like that of an armpit! This air is from the darling little girls that come to visit. They never raise their voices over an "inside" voice and never talk back. They never run or jump off of the furniture and they always say their please's and thank you's. How wonderful it is when friends come for a visit! :-)
Last week seemed like it flew by, but this week has dug it's feet deep into the ground and is making it difficult to get through it. Sara and I had a rough day on Monday. She refused to clean up and I refused to let her have her way. So, an hour long battle took place of kicking, hitting, scratching, biting, and even my shirt ripped. When it was all said and done she was able to calmly talk to me and she cleaned up her mess. I was so proud of her for finally minding and excited that I was finally able to complete a punishment and talk about why things got out of hand.
Natalie has been sick all week. I'm definetly ready for her to go back to school so that I can have a quiet morning and hit the gym! I haven't been able to work out since Friday! I was off last night for a while so that I could get out of the house since I hadn't been able to leave since Sunday. I just wandered around Target and had a good long conversation with my Mimi.
I should be getting my new computer today! I am currenty sitting at the girls' computer which sits on a very small childrens desk. I have to switch sitting positions every so often so that my legs won't go to sleep!
Well, I hear Natalie stirring around, so I better be off and onto my job!

Call me Miss Linzie

It's Friday, and oh how I have been looking forward to this day for what seems like most of the week! Just a few hours left in the day and I will have officially completed my first week as a Nanny. They call me 'Miss Linzie'. It's kinda cute. I'd much rather be called 'Miss Linzie' than 'Nanny' or 'Dude', which they seem to use a lot. This week has actually flown by. It is somewhat nice to have a schedule, because it gives me a little something to look forward to. I know I have to wake up at 6:00am (though I don't really look forward to that part) and that the girls have to get on the bus at 7:30am. Then I have a few household chores, like starting the laundry and making the beds. Some mornings, I try to make the beds while the girls are putting on their clothing. I like getting everything done so that I can relax. Sara, the youngest one gets home from half-day kindergarten at 12:00. We fix lunch together and sit down and talk about her day. Then she is supposed to work in workbooks or do a learning game on the computer, but sometimes I just let her play with her barbies or dance to Hannah Montanna in her room. Sara is a very smart girl. She is 5 years old and when we play this trivia game after dinner, she usually gets the answers faster than the older two. Natalie and Jessica get homeat 3:30. Sara and I sit on the porch 30 minutes before and enjoy the sunshine while we wait for the bus to come. They are normaly starving and hit the pantry for a snack when they hit the front door. Then it's homework time. And after that-play time. The girls most always want to go outside. It's difficult going outside. It's not how I grew up and I'm not sure how to "play" outside with this small yard and limited space. We've been taking walks around the block amost every night. Jessica got Heely's (skate shoe thingy's) for her birthday last month and the other two normally ride their bikes. I'm already growing tired of the "walk around the block". The parents always suggest a walk around the block as if they were going to take them, and then look at me and say "Would you mind walking them a few times around the block to burn off some of this excitement?". But, it never works. The excitement only grows after setting foot outside. After play time is shower time and this is my most dreaded time of the day. The shower has two shower heads and so we stick Natalie and Sara in the shower and Jessica in the bath tub. When Natalie and Sara are together I can hardly control them. On Wednesday night, after being splashed with water over and over and screaming naked bodies running in and out of the shower (and me not being able to spank them!) I finally had to call for the mother, Lori, and ask if I could finish dinner while she finished bathing them. It's a difficult task, to shampoo and condition three kids at the same time. One is screaming because she has shampoo in her eye and the other is screaming because the other one looked at her while she was naked. I haven't figured out a good system to this madness yet, but instead of me putting shampoo and conditioner on their heads I've been pouring it in their hands and letting them do it by themselves. Hopefully soon they'll be able to take showers by themselves and I won't lose all of my hair! Finally, it's dinner time. This routine is rather difficult too, because rarely will everyone like the food on their plate and thus can cause many screaming, kicking, crying fits. Wednesday night I cooked lasagna and let the girls help. Everyone ate that night and I was super excited! I think it helped that they saw what went in the food and wanted to eat it because they helped make it. Alas, it's 8:00 and I tuck the girls in bed and shut the door to my room until the next day! Ahh...what a week.

" "Going of to find yourself" was the standar interpretation. I don't think that is really our point. We are shaped by our experiences. Our perception of job, fear, pain, and beauty are sharpeneed or dulled by the way we rub against time. My senses have become dull and this trip is an effort to sharpen them."-Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller

No Tears in Heaven

So, I'm just waiting until it is time, for me to load my car and begin the road trip to Houston. I created this blog so that I could type a few things here and there, so that friends and family would know what is going on in my life without me sending out tons of really long emails. But, in the mean time, I'll let you be inspired:

I was thinking, after talking to a close friend of mine, who is not a believer and has no desire to be-- if there are no tears in heaven, will I be sad when I get there and not see all the people that I loved so dearly on earth? If I will have no sorrrow, will I not feel any emotion when I realize that some of the closest people to me on Earth are missing? All will be glory in the land, but I can't imagine it being glorious without those that I love. Will I just not feel any emotion? Will I just not even remember them?
I often wonder about the verse in 1 Cor Chapter 7:12. It says "To the rest I say this, If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband . Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."
As it is stated, it is obviously Paul that is saying this and not the Lord. But I often wonder about this passage. If my beliefs will be strong enough to save someone else?
I wonder what will happen in Heaven, if there are no tears?

"No tears in heaven, no sorrows given, All will be glory in that land...There'll be no sadness, all will be gladness, When we shall join that happy band....

No tears....no tears, no tears up there, Sorrow and pain will all have flown....No tears, no tears up there, No tears in heaven will be known.

Glory is waiting, waiting up yonder, Where we shall spend an endless day; There with our Savior, we'll be forever, Where no more sorrow can dismay....

No tears....no tears, no tears up there, Sorrow and pain will all have flown....No tears, no tears up there, No tears in heaven will be known.

Some morning yonder, we'll cease to ponder, O'er things this life has brought to view; All will be clearer, saved ones be dearer, In Heaven where all will be made new....

No tears....no tears, no tears up there, Sorrow and pain will all have flown....No tears, no tears up there, No tears in heaven will be known."

Uff-da

As a good friend of mine would say "Uff-da!". What a week this has been! I was contacted by the family in The Woodlands and was quickly whisped away on a flight to Houston to meet the family. It was hard. What a bold thing to do, especially for me. To fly somewhere without really knowing what to expect and to stay with a total stranger for a few nights. It was complete faith, and I'm beginning to fall in love with that feeling of having complete faith all over again. It seems like it's been a while since I was able to fully live by faith and trust that my God would see me through. I ended up getting the job. They have three little girls, who have a hard time minding, and will definitely be challenging, but will have many great rewards.
I layed in bed after talking to my Mom on the phone this past Thursday night. I let a few tears stream down my face while the scenes of the whole day replayed in my mind. I found it very difficult to establish a sense of authority with the girls, as well as prove to them that I was someone who they could have fun with. I wanted them to respect me and to see me as someone who could discipline them if it called for that. I didn't want to start out being the pushover Nanny and the kids get away with everything. Thankfully, throughout the weekend once the girls finally got to see how much of a fun person I can be, began to cling to me more and more.
I'm excited about this new job and the things that the Lord has planned for me that will hopefully be revealed to me soon.

Fresh Beginnings

I've had this blog for a few weeks now and have been waiting for just the right moment to start typing away on this keyboard for my first blog. I kept waiting for something inspirational, something brilliant, something worth reading about. Nothing has came yet and I'm beginning to get very anxious to start up my blogspot. I don't know why I feel the need to have a blog. I already have a facebook account and a myspace account, which both keep me very occupied. I suppose there's something therapeutic about writing. The rythm of the keys going clickity clack and my mind traveling to many different spots all at once all to form words for my fingers to type.
I guess I should really write about something thought provoking, seeing as this is my first blog, and what a waste it would be to have my very first blog be rambling non-sense. :-)

I've had an interesting few weeks. I'm officially a college drop out. I know, how lame. Though, as much as I am heart broken that I am not at ACU with the people that I love and attempting to make something of my life, I am a little excited to see how God is working in my life right now. I'm anxious to see the plan He has for me this semester and through the summer. I'm beginning to see a little good come from all of this heartache. I've recently been on the phone doing a sort of interview with a family who has a nanny position open in The Woodlands, near Houston. This family sounds super great and it seems like a good opportunity for me to serve a loving family as well as to grow in my own personal ways. Hopefully I will find out more from this family soon.
I have been tested what seems to be a lot over the course of this new year and it's only February. From having to move away from ACU, cancelling my mission work in New Zealand, my sickley grandmother, and the death of my sweet baby cousin Baylee. Sometimes, especially in moments like these, I wonder why I continue to believe the things I believe. How can someone so great throw such awful things all in one month to me?I had in mind to serve our great God this semester with a team of awesome college kids at Southern Hills. I had in mind to serve our great God this summer in New Zealand. I often wonder why I am not being allowed to serve in those places. I tried so hard to find something pleasing to Him and to go at it with all of myself. To be dedicated to a task that would glorify Him instead of something for my own pleasure. I failed miserably and now I feel miserable.
Things are beginning to shape up a bit. I'm praying hard that I will land this nanny job. I'm praying hard that this is where He wants me to be and that He will reveal His good and perfect plan to me. All I want is to be a servant. I find myself constantly asking Him to show me what He wants of me.

"And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."1 Cor. 10:13